Directions

Its like this big wave just came crashing on top of me. A wave of regret for all the choices, all the directions I didn't go. Its the salty sting of the past solidifying itself, drifting further and further from me and my grasp. I feel like a jerk for the girls I'm sure I made cry. Toyed with their emotions because if I'd really ever had a perspective on myself I'd have been much more gentle and less aggressive with people's hearts until I knew definitively what I wanted. But we're supposed to live fearlessly right? Sure. But not selfishly.

And those friends and experiences in the desert and talks in the mountains. Those car rides with the flaming lips and friday nights with pizza and video games. I miss the memories I can barely remember. They're fading off in some direction I'm not headed. Why do we have to head in different directions? Why can't everything always be a part of everything else? Why can't we always be children and adults at the same time? I don't want to have to give up part of life to get another. This overwhelming feeling of regret. All these choices. All these lives and adventures that are going on that I'll never be a part of. I can only know that this is the case and let it be. Put it all in a box and move on. With the box in tow of course.

Fear

The one thing that annoys me more than any other is fear. In myself, in others, I can't stand it. Fear causes me to worry, to doubt myself, to get cranky, to dwell in the past instead of being "present". How is it that something so mental can hold such a strong grip? If its so easy to fear, why is it so hard to be confident, to have faith? Shouldn't both be equally as easy to attain? Apparently not and I have no idea why. Maybe there's a study out there that can solve this problem...searching...searching...ah! A delicious apple of an article!

http://www.byregion.net/articles-healers/faithforfear.html

I couldn't say that I agree with everything this woman says, but its worth a read. Well, that's all the knowledge and wisdom I can sweat out today. Check back in later and you'll thank me for wasting your life.

JOY JOY JOY

My wrist has been a little screwed up for a while now. But I continue to play sports regardless. I know its not the wisest decision, but I love to play, and sometimes its hard to "throw in the towel" for the time being. Its weird. Seems like I've gotten hurt more in the last year than usual. And it also seems like I don't heal as quickly. Even the scabs that magically appear, the ones you have no idea how they got there, don't seem to go away at what I consider a normal speed. I'm getting old. That's the bottom line. Not older. Old. I'm tired. I complain a lot. I roll my eyes more. I repeat myself. I go to bed earlier. I get up earlier. I need to shave every two days instead of every two weeks.

On the positive side, I also appear to be getting younger in some ways. I get upset when I don't get my way. I like shiny toys and all other toys. Well that's all the positive I can think of...

That's all for now. Hope this has been thoroughly interesting. Stay tuned for more amazing facts and epiphanies on the next episode of "Nobody's Reading Anyways".

Frozen

The soft laughter, the quiet smiles,
seem to fade away, echoing off the walls of my heart as they pass, day by day.

Not much lives here, deep inside.
Its much too cold, a frozen heart bleeding heat tonight.

Which is worse, losing someone or losing touch with the very memory of them? Its like a second death. I wish my brain worked better. I wish I could remember everything. But then I'd remember the good and the bad. Maybe we're better off that way. Sacrificing our good memories so we can forget the bad ones too. Its so hard, because those memories are imprinted on our souls. Even as we forget, there is a feeling that something is leaving, and whether good or bad, letting go or being abandoned by those memories hurts. There is life in those memories. And when they go, some bit of life leaves me too. As much as I'd like to fill my heart with replacements, it doesn't seem to work that way. Losing someone you love is irreplaceable. Our joys and sorrows are independent of one another. But I can choose what to focus on. I can choose to set my eyes on the good, beautiful things of this earth and beyond. I am a wounded heart, as we all are, to differing extents, but I am not broken. My heart may freeze over for a while, but warmer weather eventually returns.

Hodge Podge

And how often do we worry? How often do we wonder how we'll get there or if we'll ever? What if it doesn't matter? I just keep trying. I can't promise results. But I can promise that I'll never stop trying. Whatever my job is, whatever my dreams are, I just keep trying.

Biting my nails again. I must be nervous about something, though there isn't anything pressing at the moment.

So it comes, the lonely moment
Stepping on the cracks, looking into windows
Laughter in red sweaters and steam from mugs
Joy all around.

The phone keeps ringing.
Always somewhere to be.
Still I feel lonely.
Wonder why it happens to me.

Maybe

Where am I going? That thought is floating through my head again. But this time I'm not worried. Actually, I haven't been worried for a while now. I like life. And I like not knowing where its going, or where God is taking me. I like keeping my eyes right in front of me. I like living in the present, which is the only place any of us really lives. When I'm not paying attention to the past or future, life is much more digestible. I take every surprise at face value. When my car gets a flat, its not a problem. Its just a new piece of the plot. Sometimes getting a flat is nice. You get to spend a little time on the side of the road. You get to see grass that most people never see. From close up. You get to see the beetle crawling quietly on his way. Not that the beetle really matters, but in another sense he does. Because you see him. Because you've slowed down, been slowed down, enough to see the beetle. Which means you're paying attention to something happening right now. If you're watching the beetle, you're not worrying about the flat or the breakup or the death or the interview or what someone said or your bank account. You're just watching him crawl quietly on. You're living right here. Right now. And I think that's how we're meant to love. Right here. Right now. Love is present tense. We can look at the past to teach us, and we can look at the future to motivate us, but the only way to love is right now. Right here. Right now.

Back for a Little

Its been quite a while hasn't it? Empty resounding echo through the halls of this lonely blog...Talking to myself has never been a problem so why should it be now?

I saw the movie Appaloosa tonight. I had high hopes, and as is often the case with high hopes, they're consistently accompanied by disappointment. The matching of Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen got me excited, but the script and direction of the story was so empty and plain-jane-white-bread-kick-me-in-the-face-I'm-falling-asleep-because-this-movie-has-no-real substance that instead of enjoying a free movie via my SAG card, instead I was longing for the comfort of my bed and those sheets that haven't been washed in months...True story! What is it about movies these days? Why can't I find a movie that wows me? Of course if they all wowed me would it be that fun to go to movies? When video games get too easy we get bored with them. Part of the joy in life is facing obstacles. Its the idea of overcoming. There is satisfaction in achieving something great, but it only lasts so long. Then you have to overcome something new. So I digress to that cliche phrase "Life is in the journey". I don't know if anyone actually says it that way, but it sounds close enough. On another note, I drank a mocha joe from Burger King to stay awake and instead I got sleepier and began to feel sick at my stomach during the movie. Probably the punishment I get for bringing outside food into the movie theater. As I got my ticket the girl at the window said "oh, outside food isn't allowed", to which I replied "yeah I'm gonna finish it". How vague is that, "yeah I'm gonna finish it"? I proceeded to walk inside, have my ticket torn, and head down to theater number two. With my mocha joe. Is that wrong? I never lied. I might have deceived. But when I really think about it, I'm not sure why that reply even came out of my mouth. I'm not sure if I was trying to be deceptive or not. I was so tired by that point in the evening that it just rolled off the tongue. In one sense I did exactly what I told her I was going to do. I finished my mocha joe. All of it. When the movie ended I threw it away. Thinking back, I must have had the effect of Obi Wan when he uses the force. I told her I was going to finish the mocha joe and that was all she needed to know. If they really had a problem with my plan, they could have demanded that I not walk through the door with the drink. I didn't hide it. It was in plain sight. I am truthful. Ah, but why am I even thinking twice about it unless I have some semblance of guilt resting in my heart? Perhaps I might be guilty. But I lean towards "no". And now I sense I'm throwing up words on this blog post and I'm a firm believer in saying things that matter and not wasting breath or space with thoughts that don't. So I'll just leave you with something, anything, a happy thought or wise saying. Here goes:

The good man chooses his words wisely.
And when he speaks he acknowledges the truth.
The evil man does not choose words.
And when he speaks he does not think.

Also

A mocha joe is a stomach ache to he with a few dollars to spare.