Regret

Okay. Wow. I remember my elementary school library. It always smelled old. And there was an old record player where we'd listen to the story about the Belle witch. And it would get scratchy from time to time because it was so old. Even Ms. Mann, the librarian, had gray streaks in her hair. She was older than a lot of the teachers in the school. Near one of the two doors to the library was a small sign that is hopefully still there. It states

"If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."

It was years ago that I last saw that sign, but its meaning hasn't changed a bit. Funny, I haven't thought about that sign until today. I had a friend in town for a few days. This friend, whom we'll call Patterson, has a very gentle and giving soul. But in the time we were together, I became frustrated by a lack of "connection", shall we say. I voiced this frustration to friends in text messages:

"In Malibu with Patterson. She's brutally unintelligible but she's buying. We had a ton of seafood..."

As the next few days began to unfold, I felt increasingly chained down. So one night, after Patterson had gone to bed, I went out to meet up with some friends. This made Patterson feel unwanted. I didn't bring her along because I decided I would not have a good time essentially babysitting since she did not know these people and leans toward bashfulness much of the time. Finally, Monday rolls around. I take a shower, and come into the main room of the apartment to find Patterson acting strangely flustered. Almost immediately she says she just wants to go home, and then admits to having read all my text messages. My heart, at this point, is bracing for impact while my head scrambles for excuses to soften the blows. Patterson wasn't snippy. She was just a bit cold and apathetic, which stings more than any name calling or finger pointing. What good can I do to call someone "unintelligible" even if I feel they've acted that way. I can do no good. The image of knocking the beams out from under a pier haunts me. To attach a word like that to a person, to any person, can only suffocate them. To make someone feel worthless, valueless, looked over, unnecessary, that is a crime that deserves whatever consequence comes along. I'd like to say that its her fault for reading my personal texts, or that its just the way I felt at the time, that I was being emotionally honest about how I was feeling. Actually, I did say all that stuff, but in the end what matters is what I said. Words can breathe life into a person, or they can tear a heart into pieces. The greatest consequence I can think of is the knowledge of what I've put in her ears, in her head. Forget whether I'm right or wrong or my trust was betrayed, I spoke pain into her life. I wish I'd remembered that cheap, laminated sign first, " If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all".